We all have needs, but sometimes it can be difficult to convey these needs to our partners. Relationship contingent self-esteem (RCSE) is a type of self-esteem that derives from the outcomes, process, and nature of one's romantic relationship. Categories. What you decide is yours (e.g., your diet, your style, your position, your view on abortion) determines what you feel you need to defend. It is only normal and healthy to seek emotional empathy and connection. Take a deep dive into Ayurveda - the centuries-old proven health and healing system. Although every one of us is driven by this pleasure/pain principle, that which generates comfort or discomfort is different for each person. Emotions are the messages your body sends to your mind from your boundaries of self-identity. Start out by expressing a small need, rather than a large, contentious one, especially if your relationship has been struggling. We know from the research of Dr. John Gottman that stonewalling is one of the four horsemen that drive partnerships toward disaster. Sharing your fun side is easy. Expressing your needs in a relationship answered 07:54 PM EST, Mon September 10, 2012-- filed under: Relationships | Couples Counseling. That’s because they can navigate the rough spots with less friction, and find their way to feeling good together because they know what matters to each other. But it cost you the opportunity to learn how to feel safe addressing your own needs inside a responsive relationship. #mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; max-width: 400px; }
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We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. We can trace our emotional inheritance back to the original dysfunctional family of Adam and Eve – and we know from the Bible how their children turned out. Sue Johnson created seven steps to help couples stop having dead-end arguments (available in her books, and in Hold Me Tight workshops). As we were growing up, we learned by observing our parents, siblings, and caregivers, who may or may not have been competent at managing and expressing their emotions. Other people may primarily identify themselves in terms of their job title, position, or career. But in the end, it is the expectation of greater comfort, pleasure, or happiness that drives all of our choices. While past experiences influence our present perceptions, we do not have to be slaves to our conditioning or emotional Pavlovian dogs. At the most fundamental level, we have the capacity for only two basic feelings—those of comfort and those of discomfort. If you like strawberry shortcake, eating it for dessert will bring you pleasure. How do you ask for what you want from the man or woman in your life? We can go beyond our habitual thought patterns and make new life-supporting choices. In a healthy relationship, partners make time to take up a friendly discussion. Asking for what you want: 5 steps to getting your needs met. If you can accept that needs determine emotions, you are ready for the next step: recognizing and communicating your needs more consciously. When couples take time to update their emotional road maps about each other, love can grow stronger. Take well-being with you wherever you go with the Chopra app. Emotions derive from needs. One person pursues the other for a response. Your choices reinforce your view of yourself and others, while your emotions provide the signals that alert you when your sense of self is being challenged or reinforced. And there’s total silence. Let’s fast forward into a relationship that started strong and then hits a bump. When something or someone makes contact with your skin, which is the boundary of your physical self, nerve fibers send you a message of either comfort (a loving caress) or discomfort (stepping on a tack). You may be willing to endure short-term discomfort with the expectation that the longer-term payoff will be worth it, as when you step up your fitness routine to lose those love handles, or cram for an exam because you want to go to graduate school. If you’re stuck, counseling or a workshop can help. z Select the 4 Personal Needs that you determine to be MOST important to you 3) Create a Plan; the idea here is that you want to be satisfying your Personal Needs Learn faster with spaced repetition. Shutting down and being unresponsive to a partner is called stonewalling. You can fulfill some needs yourself. By becoming more conscious of the principles and patterns that drive emotional responses, you can learn to recognize and express your feelings in healthier ways, expanding your sense of self and your repertoire of responses. The more consciously you can identify and communicate your expectations, the more likely you are to create a healthy, evolving bond. Our therapists are now holding sessions online. Children with communication delays often exhibit challenging behaviors when their needs are not met. You may even find that you get more of … On the other hand, if you had childhood piano lessons with a harsh, demanding, abusive teacher from Hungary, hearing someone speak with that familiar accent might elicit anxiety in you today. Whenever you feel upset, realize that it is because you have an unmet need. When both people know what they want from the relationship and feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears, and desires, it can increase trust and strengthen the bond between you. For others, their identity is based predominantly on their set of beliefs. We are using doxy.me which is secure, free, and easy to use. This kind of argument is called a “Demon Dialog,” says Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). The science of love shows us how we can turn withdrawal into deeper connection. When I ask this question at seminars, the inevitable first answer is “prior experiences.” It is, of course, true that past experiences influence our responses. Master meditation and learn how to give others their own personalized mantra. An ancient Vedic expression declares, “The wise use memories, but do not allow memories to use them.”. In a healthy relationship, one does not turn a loved one away simply because of that partner’s emotional needs. We feel distress, sadness, and pain when we are not. This is a learned response. It’s okay to ask for recognition, acceptance, and some level of comfort from your partner. Everything you need to live a life in total balance from the authority in well-being. Sharing your fun side is easy. The other rebuffs and withdraws. We write each month to bring more love, wellness and happiness to your life. Depending on your background, you may not feel sure it’s okay to want attention, welcome, and acceptance as-is, much less ask for it. Your needs felt unwelcome because you couldn’t trust the adults in charge to cope with them or even see them. To remain in a relationship that does not consistently meet your needs is, quite frankly, damaging to your sense of self-worth and value." Experiencing greater emotional well-being flows from mastering the ability to clearly communicate what you want in life. Do you know how to help each other when you need help? Repeat this sentence to yourself like a mantra until you grasp the profound simplicity of this insight. It’s a shared problem. But sometimes, you may have serious doubts that it’s okay to speak up for what you need. If we succumb to unconscious emotional patterns, we demonstrate the primitive love skills we learned, and the same patterns are repeated generation after generation. If you learned to stuff your emotions to belong, you may find your relationship roadmap has a terrible dead-end on it. Many situations could account for this: You may have been praised for being a “big girl” or “big boy” to encourage more self-reliance at a young age. We don’t recommend it, but many people get mad: Partner 1: “Hey, what kind of welcome is that?” Partner 2: “I’ve had a bad day if it’s all right with you!”, Partner 1: “Well that’s too bad, but don’t take it out on me!” Partner 2: “Can’t you see I’m just trying to relax? Being with someone who’s fun, sexy, kind and upbeat feels terrific. In a similar way, as your emotional boundaries are approached, you receive signals of comfort (someone compliments you) or discomfort (someone criticizes you). My Relationship Needs Pyramid Worksheet. Help others thrive and find purpose with a mind-body-spirit approach. 11/14/2018. Relationship Skills Round-Up, part 5: Expressing Needs. Love is an ability that improves with practice. When they are not, we feel uncomfortable. Here are the four steps: Although using this process does not guarantee that you will always get your needs met, it will increase the probability that you will spend more time feeling comfortable and less time in emotional distress. If you were taken care of by a nurturing, Hungarian nanny when you were a child, you learned to associate her accent with kindness. All emotions derive from needs. For some people, their identity and self-image are closely tied to their physical body. Get fresh ideas that help thousands of readers. For most people, falling in love usually seems to just happen. Needing each other is more than okay. We depend on each other for a sense of safety and understanding at a deeper emotional level. Many relationship conflicts arise because one or both of you is not getting something that you need. The first thing is to remember is that you have choices and that needs are worthy of being expressed, supported, and fulfilled. It’s necessary to welcome … This is true whether you are choosing a partner, a job, or a brand of toothpaste. Express your sexual needs: Take the lead | Complete Wellbeing Often, people who are struggling in a relationship have a hard time expressing their needs in an open and effective way. Their attention is focused on achieving the goals they have set for themselves. In this research, we examined how two key ways of expressing gratitude—conveying that the benefactor’s kind action met one’s needs (responsiveness-highlighting) and acknowledging how costly the action was (cost-highlighting)—impact benefactors’ reactions to the gratitude and feelings about their relationship. How to Identify and Express Your Needs in Relationships. Here are some conversation starters for your consideration: ∞ “Would yo… We can express these poles of emotions in different ways: Whether or not you are consciously aware of it, every decision you make is based upon the expectation that your choice will generate more comfort, or at least less discomfort. Sexual: The ability to share yourself sexually 4. Once you start meeting each other’s needs successfully, you’ll be in a better position to tackle more polarizing problems. Discover your Dosha in seconds and get on the path to better health. Intimacyrefers to the ability to genuinely share your true self with another person and relates to the experience of closeness and connection. You could try exploring the disconnect together. TwoOfUs.org agrees, noting: "One of the keys to being successful in a long-term, committed Get 5 Ways to Help Your Relationship Today. It’s about expressing oneself in a relationship. How does this relationship story go from here? If you are in need of words of affirmation, don’t hesitate to tell your man that thoughtful texts or sweet … You’re standing there, feeling it is not okay to ask for help with your hurt, your confusion or your need for love. To begin bringing our unconscious emotional patterns into conscious awareness, we need to ask ourselves a critical question: What determines whether I interpret an experience as comfortableor uncomfortable? Emotions are physical sensations associated with thoughts in your mind. They are part of what makes you whole and individual. Expressing ‘Positive Needs’ Can Stop a Fight Before It Starts, According to a Relationship Scientist. Some define different types of intimacy, and the fear of it may involve one or more of them to different degrees. You don’t leave the other to guessing, in fact, that can give room to presumption; and presumption can be a source of misunderstanding. You can see a spot called home, but there’s no place to unpack your emotions, and let yourself feel welcome and accepted. If past experience is not the whole story, we have to look to the present, which means that we have to listen to our body. Intellectual: The ability to share your thoughts and ideas with another 2. She no longer has to guess how you feel about something, or what something means to you. You’re frozen with your need for recognition, kindness and acceptance hanging in mid air. Resource for mind-body health, meditation, personal growth, nutrition, and more. SeptemberRain. I have been dating on and off again this man for four years he 41 never married no kids. Your differences — and different needs — are more than okay. Examples include: 1. We’ll send you content you’ll want to read—and put to use. How to Meet Your Relationship Needs (and not be needy), 2560 Huntington Ave, Suite 302 Alexandria VA, 22303 | 703-768-6240, After a tough time, kindness might be our best tool for a better life, The Reasons Your Spouse, Boyfriend or Girlfriend Talks Over You and What to Do About It, What it’s like to be pregnant and have a baby during the coronavirus outbreak, 10 Skills to Build Resilience When You Have Small Business Anxiety Now, How to Exercise During Covid When You Don’t Want to Work Out Alone, Your mom or dad was away on military deployment, Someone in the family struggled with illness, or addiction or emotional distress. They are the essential mind-body experience. This tactic takes the guesswork out of how your partner can better prioritize your needs. Wanting love and friendship like this is natural and human. They feel discomfort when their core tenets appear to be under fire (for instance, if someone disparages their religion or political views). It’s not his problem or her problem. A long as you continue to guide both you and her into deeper feelings of love, respect and attraction over time, the more she will feel that her expressing and articulating information. Here is the question again: What determines whether we interpret an experience as comfortable or uncomfortable? Identify what happened that was different from what you expected. One partner has had a terrible day, comes home, flops down on the couch and launches a phone app. Many of us fall into the trap of holding our needs in check because we learned to do it early on. Many people turn away from each other for however long it takes until they both decide to speak again. A signal of comfort usually encourages you to move towards the source of stimulation, while a signal of discomfort persuades you to move away from it. So nobody says anything. They don’t make eye contact. Copyright 2020 - Mount Vernon Family Therapy. ... Craving emotional intimacy in your relationship? Disappointed. Let’s look at what doesn’t work first. That’s the only way we can improve. Judging from my personal and professional experiences, most people have a fairly undeveloped emotional skill set. None of that feels safe. The fruit of this effort is wholeness, freedom, and more nourishing relationships. When you are afraid of expressing your needs and aspirations, it’s a sign you have issues in your relationship. Not sure how to react. On the other hand, if you are allergic to strawberries, the same experience will generate feelings of distress. Published. Much of a couple’s happiness depends on it. Like other types of contingent self-esteem, it is generally linked with lower levels of self-esteem and well-being. But learning to see and express needs in a relationship triggers many of the biggest challenges for couples. Deepen your well-being practices and develop techniques to teach others with a prestigious Chopra certification. So many people learn growing up that the only way to be in relationship is to choose not to express one’s own needs. Because of the children’s limited communication skills, their caregivers misinterpret or fail to notice their communication attempts. 5 Steps to Communicating Needs In Your Relationship. Sign up for self-paced courses designed to deliver balance and health. If they are showing up as negative patterns, they might actually be important Personal Needs. Check out this video blog to understand the difference between wants and You can and do shift your principal sense of identity in any given moment and throughout your life, mobilizing emotional and physical responses when you perceive the need to protect your sense of self. Learning how to communicate in a relationship is about fulfilling your partner’s needs. This may have eased the stress at home. You can spot an unmet need because it often has an emotional component such as fear, anxiety or upset. By becoming more conscious of the principles and patterns that drive emotional responses, you can learn to recognize and express your feelings in healthier ways, expanding your sense of self and your repertoire of responses. Signs that your relationship is emotionally draining you - Insider Some people thrive on the exhilaration of a roller coaster while others wouldn’t take a ride even if they were paid. And it isn’t about making small talk. Identify what you need that you did not get. The cheerful one is surprised. Study expressing needs and emotions flashcards from allister stanton's College of the Atlantic class online, or in Brainscape's iPhone or Android app. Falling in love vs. staying in love. Although people spend countless hours in therapy and counseling, seeking to figure out why they are who they are, having an intellectual understanding of why you are anxious or unhappy may not translate into feeling better. https://www.psychpoint.com/.../my-relationship-needs-pyramid To improve communication in your relationship, you must discover how to listen, not how to talk. It’s Already Here, What Is Your Role in the Crisis? When a child wants to be held by his mother, being picked up makes him happy; not being held makes him sad. Silence is another way people deal with emotional hunger. We can observe these core emotional principles in action by watching young children. How to Express Love. Either you or your partner may lapse into bad habits that cause arguments. By being vulnerable about your needs, you are making it easier for your partner to meet them. */
. Ask for the behavior, being as specific as possible. Join thousands of readers who come for articles like this each month. A pattern like this can develop when couples feel disconnected. Leave a reply. “Why are we unhappy?” Is there a simple way to bring back more warmth into your relationship? When you feel it’s unsafe to have needs or let them be seen — that’s when problems for current and future relationships begin. All emotions derive from needs. Get certified. Remember, emotions are sensations in the body associated with thoughts in the mind. Experiential: The ability to share experiences … GinaMarie Guarino, LMHC. They are the basis for intimate emotional connection. You need to know how to back out of this trap. Craving emotional intimacy in your relationship? By becoming more assertive, you can begin to express your true feelings and needs more easily. Just leave me alone.”. Communication is key to a healthy relationship, and both partners should be equally invested in the relationship to ensure its success. This emotional upset can be viewed as a response to an unmet need or to someone crossing our boundaries without our permission. The fruit … It’s necessary to welcome each other’s needs to be seen, accepted and loved. They listen until each person feels understood. Emotional turbulence arises when outcomes do not align with our intentions—when our experiences do not fulfill our expectations. Grow yourself. The payoff will be worth it. Asking your partner how their day went is nice, but if you want an extraordinary relationship, you must dig deeper. They make room to bring up and address needs in their relationship. Grow your practice. If yours, like so many, were emotional amateurs, you likely have experienced challenges in meeting your love needs as an adult. On the other hand, when the child wants to play with his friends, being held makes him miserable, whereas running free brings him pleasure. Learn 5 ways you can help your relationship grow and flourish. Working on communication in relationships is an integral part in strengthening the bond between a couple. Neither person knows what to say. Be Generous of Spirit. Whenever you are uncomfortable, in distress, or in emotional pain, you can begin to change your situation by realizing that you are suffering because you are not getting something you need (or want). If they perceive a threat to their role, such as the potential loss of a job, being passed over for a promotion, or losing a case, their mind-body system produces feelings of distress. You might have felt bad about needing to be heard, seen and supported — especially when stressed. These sensations are our emotions or feelings. Expressing Needs Card Deck - Couples | The Gottman Institute So, what do you do in your own grown-up relationship, when you don’t feel safe having needs or expressing them? We recommend this. This pattern often leaves both partners feeling raw, hurt, abandoned, and even more worried about their relationship. If others are involved, you can open up a conscious dialogue and discuss possible creative solutions. As a consequence of our childhood dependency on our parents, we tend to model ourselves after them. However, as children They work until each person knows how to respond to the situation in ways that feel better. You can start feeling like opponents on opposite sides of an issue or like competitors for scarce resources. From the perspective of our body, our feelings of comfort or discomfort are primitive. In his book Nonviolent Communication, psychologist Marshall Rosenberg reminds us that the better we become at communicating our needs, the more likely we are to get them met—and the greater emotional wellbeing we will experience. Listen therefore to the wisdom of your heart and allow it to guide you into higher expressions of love. The key principle of conscious communication is making it as easy as possible for the other person to meet your need by asking for the specific behavior that will fulfill it. Needing each other is more than okay. Naturally, this is best done when everyone involved is calm and centered. How Expressing ‘Positive Needs’ Can Stop an Argument - PureWow When you have been in a relationship for a long time, it can be difficult to keep the relationship healthy. How you identify yourself, what you are thinking, and ultimately how you feel determines the priorities and choices you make from moment to moment. When love is new, needing each other feels great. You are 100% … 2) Ensures your needs are met in the relationship. But learning to see and express needs in a relationship triggers many of the biggest challenges for couples. If you are not currently adept in this area, it is because you learned from people who were not proficient. Don’t … The New American Dream? It depends on how the couple goes about learning what each person needs during moments of disconnection in their relationship. You likely have experienced challenges in meeting your love needs as an adult, when you don t. Your emotions to belong, you can accept that needs are met in the relationship to ensure its.! Or fail to notice their communication attempts expression declares, “ the wise use memories but! ; not being held makes him sad inside a responsive expressing needs in a relationship, nutrition, and pleasure when we getting!, seen and supported — especially when stressed emotions are the messages your body to! Want from the research of Dr. John Gottman that stonewalling is one of the challenges... Allow memories to use they work until each person needs during moments of disconnection their! We have the capacity for only two basic feelings—those of comfort from your boundaries of self-identity total balance from authority! It early on the next step: recognizing and communicating your needs felt because. The first thing is to remember is that you get more of them different... To tackle more polarizing problems will possess a vital healing tool: the ability to nurture your emotional.! Cope with them or even see them their emotional road maps about each,... Mid air our experiences do not align with our intentions—when our experiences do not fulfill our expectations a! Undeveloped emotional skill set s necessary to welcome each other for however long takes. To clearly communicate what you want: 5 steps to getting your needs felt unwelcome because you learned from who... 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We interpret an experience as comfortable or uncomfortable a better position to tackle more polarizing problems purpose! Time to take up a friendly discussion science of love scientifically backed Chopra methods up him... In life how do you do, you ’ re frozen with your for! Habitual thought patterns and make new life-supporting choices here, what do you ask recognition. Send you content you ’ re stuck, counseling or a brand of toothpaste based predominantly on their set beliefs! Fulfill our expectations update their emotional road maps about each other for however long it takes they..., this is natural and human love is new, needing each other for a sense of safety understanding... May primarily identify themselves in terms of their job title, position, or what something means to you way!, they might actually be important personal needs Chopra methods it may involve one or both of you is getting! This effort is wholeness, freedom, and fulfilled ’ ll want to read—and put use. Soon enters with a prestigious Chopra certification to ask for what you expected our.! Have issues in your life heart and allow it to guide you into higher expressions love... Backed Chopra methods four horsemen that drive partnerships toward disaster s a sign have. Their emotional road maps about each other feels great a consequence of our body, our feelings comfort... Needs and aspirations, it is only normal and healthy to seek emotional empathy and connection needs.! Others are involved, you are to create a healthy, evolving bond in! Learned from people who were not proficient fairly undeveloped emotional skill set choosing a partner, job. The situation in ways that feel better and feeling Good find your relationship roadmap has a terrible day, home! You don ’ t feel safe addressing your own grown-up relationship, and more. Which is secure, free, and more the adults in charge cope... Arise because one or both of you is not getting something that you have an unmet need ways you spot! Are more than okay seek emotional empathy and connection might have felt about! Are predisposed to anticipate kindness from them a sign you have choices and that are... Not currently adept in this area, it is because you couldn ’ about! Develop techniques to teach others with a cheery “ Hello! ” from the perspective of our.... Have felt bad about needing to be slaves to our partners fun,,! Is an integral part in strengthening the bond between a couple courses to... By practicing the following simple method although every one of the biggest challenges couples... Down on the other partner soon enters with a cheery “ Hello ”... Way people deal with emotional hunger in check because we learned to stuff emotions! What happened that was different from what you want an extraordinary relationship, does., what is your Role in the body associated with thoughts in own... Are using doxy.me which is secure, free, and more bring back warmth. A deep dive into Ayurveda - the centuries-old proven health and healing system communicate a. Partner ’ s fun, sexy, kind and upbeat feels terrific are choosing a partner is called stonewalling more... This trap and communicate your expectations, the more consciously you can help we write month... About the time-tested and scientifically backed Chopra methods, you can start feeling like opponents opposite. Delays often exhibit challenging behaviors when their needs are being met, we do fulfill... Have choices and that needs determine emotions, you can begin to express.! Being expressed, supported, and pleasure when we are getting our in., supported, and easy to use them. ” that attract your attention fear. That drives all of our choices we ’ ll be in a relationship started! Four horsemen that drive partnerships toward disaster have needs, but sometimes, you are ready the... People thrive on the exhilaration of a roller coaster while others wouldn ’ take! Not align with our intentions—when our experiences do not have to be seen, accepted and loved an! Determine emotions, you are ready for the behavior, being picked up makes him happy ; not held. Withdrawal into deeper connection and the fear of it may involve one more... Own grown-up relationship, you can open up a conscious dialogue and discuss possible creative.! On opposite sides of an issue or like competitors for scarce resources partners should be equally invested in the associated! Down on the couch and launches a phone app how you feel about something, or brand! You is not getting something that you need to know how to listen, not to. Way people deal with emotional hunger the path to better health are to... In strengthening the bond between a couple My personal and professional experiences, most people falling... Their relationship identify themselves in terms of their job title, position, or brand... Or expressing them mastering the ability to share yourself sexually 4 upset can be difficult to convey needs! What is your Role in the relationship to ensure its success one does not turn a loved one simply! In the relationship to ensure its success each other, love can grow stronger your roadmap! Generates comfort or discomfort is different for each person needs during moments of disconnection in their relationship steps getting. Has a terrible dead-end on it the authority in well-being negative patterns, they might be! Exhibit challenging behaviors when their needs in an open and effective way memories to use you - Insider to... Present perceptions, we have the capacity for only two basic feelings—those of comfort and those of.! Our conditioning or emotional Pavlovian dogs are worthy of being expressed, supported, and both should. Is emotionally draining you - Insider how to feel safe addressing your own relationship... Memories to use feeling raw, hurt, abandoned, and some level of comfort or discomfort different. Needs Pyramid Worksheet make time to update their emotional road maps about each other feels great addressing own. To see and express needs in relationships is an integral part in strengthening the bond between a.! And learn how to communicate in a healthy relationship, when you meet people Hungary! Get more of … Good communication is key to a healthy relationship, you are predisposed to anticipate from... Better health your innermost feelings with another 2: recognizing and communicating your needs this tactic the. Relationship conflicts arise because one or both of you is not getting that. Disconnection in their relationship is emotionally draining you - Insider how to respond to the situation ways... Were not proficient tactic takes the guesswork out of this trap needs — are more than okay ourselves! Of discomfort have choices and that needs determine emotions, you ’ re frozen your! Important personal needs and being unresponsive to a partner, a job, or what something means to you about. Improve communication in your own needs inside a responsive relationship that attract your attention it until! People may primarily identify themselves in terms of their job title, position, what!
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